Wow...What an amazing, difficult, learning-rich semester it is turning out to be. Thanks so much for hanging in here, gang - I really need you this semester and next. I've been studying the first half of the book of Romans in Greek this semester. For those of you who aren't so familiar with it, the first 4 chapters are talking about the total depravity of humanity and how we couldn't be any farther from God if we jumped. Paul is setting the stage for the amazing, unmerited free gift of God in Jesus for us. Have you ever had a time in your life when you just feel like you're living out a piece of scripture?
I feel that my life has been mirroring these passages these past few months. I know that I am ALWAYS writing/talking about the joys and trials of my relationships, and this post will be no exception. I've blown it really big with one friend in particular this semester, ended a relationship I was in and have been feeling very 'in touch' with how messed up I am lately. Not a pretty picture. I even feel vaguely justified in throwing myself a bit of a pity-party (which I have, thankfully, not yet indulged). But, as I said, I do feel that I am living the book of Romans right now. My state has been one of utter depravity and rebellion against God (to parallel the case in Chs 1-4).
Last week we started chapter 5. The Kingdom Strikes Back. "Therefore since we have been justified through faith we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand." (5.1). I've been a mess since I was born (so were you, BTW - sorry). Because of what Jesus did on the cross all our sins are dealt with - even the ones we're surprised to find ourselves in or didn't think we were capable of (even our mistakes). This is not a new bit of theology to me - I would have said that is what I knew and believed years ago. Somehow the message of peace and grace is striking me differently, more deeply in this time in my life.
A good friend and some Army aquaintaces this past summer spoke a word of God into my life. They said "you can't give what you don't have." Again, not earth shattering news or even logic. But it prompted me to ask the Lord what is it I don't have that I keep trying to give? I believe he told me I don't have real grace. I have a cheap version. A version that looks like grace on the outside, but does not have the weight and scandalous freedom that God's genuine grace contains. Romans is about a lot of things, but for me, right now, it's all about teaching me what is the grace of God
I've been realizing this semester that I have all these crazy personal rules for myself that I would NEVER apply to another person. And if I saw another person with these rule I would apply my whole life and mind to freeing them from them. It's stupid things like, 'it's ok if I get hurt so long as no one else does' or 'other people's time and lives are more important than mine' - stupid stuff that makes me more of a door mat than a true servant of God. Grace for 'blowing it' does not mean "whew...Glad He let that one go, I'll be sure not let it happen again;' it means something more like, "Thank you Jesus for loving me better than I love myself, encouraging me to walk in freedom and not being even vaguely angry or surprised by my sins and mistakes.'
*Sigh* It's been a deeply thoughtful semester. I'm really grateful for the way the Lord is shaping my character and for His ongoing care - I really do want to be more like him at the end of the day. I am continually surprised at the depth of depravity we're all capable of, but I'm trying to turn my focus more to the wonder of friends and 'divinely appointed' people God keeps dropping into my life to remind me that it's not all bad and that one day, it will all be amazing. We were, after all not created for a sinful, fallen world; we were created for perfect communion with God and each other (heaven?...that's at least part of it...).
The rest of my classes have been really good. Hebrew is very challenging and I don't anticipate getting as much out of it as I have in Greek, but it does look like I will pass it this semester (and do decently). I also have 2 history classes this semester - one Old Testament history of Israel and the Prophets and the other is Church history of the early church to the renaissance. I got to spend a little time studying the Crusades...very cool - I didn't realize they lasted over about 1,500 years or that they were so poorly organized and (for the most part) led.
Lest you think I've had no fun at all this semester, I've included a couple of photos of friends and events I've been a part of this semester. The ones with the pumpkin is my friend Susan's (and her dog Abby) - she's does this crazy 'monster-creation' garden in the summer and she's sitting next to a 35lb pumpkin that she grew (she's got another one that's 33lbs). We' split this (yes...I did get to use my machete...*happy*) the other night and looked up a variety of pumpkin recipe's (got any good ones? I'd love a good main dish recipe - I have a ravioli sauce one and a couple of soup ones...) I was also really blessed to have my old pal Bonnie out for a weekend - I took her down to Garden of the Gods and we found this cool little 'canyon' while we were exploring and catching up.
On the really exciting side (at least in my little world...) - I get to go to Urbana 06 - InterVarsity's tri-annual mission conference! It was always one of my all-time FAVORITE events when I was on staff/a student and I didn't think I would be able to go because I am a broke grad student...However! My school needed some students to go and represent the school as exhibitioners and I was one of the lucky 4 who got picked to go on this fabulous, all expense paid event! SO...If any of you plan on going - COME FIND ME at the Denver Seminary booth (we're planning on having a cool couch set up with at least one video game option...very fun...) - I would love to catch up with y'all!! Aside from all that coolness, I'm really excited to be traveling - I REALLY miss it.
As for Mike, the fella I was semi-dating, thanks for your prayers for us. It did not work out, but I know that God has good things in store for both of us.
Prayer reqs:
- We have 3 weeks left - I'm REALLY tired - please pray I have the will/energy to make it
- Pray that God will help me (and us all, I think) to accept His grace and be at peace with it all
- Pray for Mike - he is deploying to Kosovo for a little over a year
- Pray for Urbana - that God would be preparing me (and everyone involved) to be there - to receive and give what God has in store
- Please also begin to pray for me for next semester - I anticipate it being even more challenging than this one and I fear for it already...
Praise:
- I'm grateful/thankful that God is clarifying my relationships and making me a stronger person
- I'm praising God for good friends and 'drop ins'
- For a wonderful TG - I was able to be with friends from school and church
- For the opportunity to reconnect with 'loved ones' from my IV 'family' at Urbana
I hope you all are well - Stay in touch! - Love in Christ, Ter
