GERMANY!

Greetings, Friends! First of all, let me update you on some of my life...
- I have PASSED my Doctrinal Orals (a really big, scary paper that one completes and defends in front of a panel of 2 professors that one signs up for for no credit and cannot graduate without completing...very scary...copies available upon request)
- Tomorrow is my last day at my CPE internship, Porter Adventist Hospital. I've had an incredible learning experience and have LOVED working with the other chaplains (AMAZING!!) and staff at this excellent hospital. I will genuinely miss being here.
- It now looks VERY good that I will GRADUATE next semester!!!
- I leave for Bamberg, Germany this Thursday...ok, I can't really just slide that in, can I?

So, here's the story...
About a month ago I woke from a very strange dream. I can't remember what the dream is now, but I remember having the definite impression that the Lord had told me to get my butt to Germany. When I was more conscious, I thought "Humm, wasn't that a strange dream?" and pretty much was going to let it go at that. However, the next night in one of my classes one of my classmates told a story of a young Vet he had just met that changed my mind; it seemed to me to be a sign that the Lord really had spoken. Now, I knew that there were 2 slots open for the Germany practicum for the Reserves. I also knew that there are several hundred slobbering Chaplain Candidates drooling over this assignment. But, I put in my paperwork trusting that the Lord would do what he would do. Sure enough, about two weeks later my commander called me up and told me I had been chosen for the assignment. This is, needless to say, quite an honor.

I will depart in a few days for Bamberg which is about 45 minutes north of Nuremberg in central Germany. I don't speak a lick of German, so I think this will be a really interesting time! I will be there through the holiday, returning in late January to complete my seminary education. I will be posting pictures and updates often, so do keep checking back every few days starting Monday. I plan on using Skype to be able to touch base with folks, so if you have an account, let me know! I'm mostly ready to go now, just finishing one last class Wednesday night, so I just need your prayers and support now!

Prayer Requests:
- For me to be fully open to what ever He has planned for me for this time.
- Travel mercies/ good connections
- Culture Shock!
- Divine appointments
- God's peace to be on my family as I'm overseas for the holidays - I'm not normally with my family for the holidays, but I know they worry about me when I leave the country.
- The Lord's continued favor as I learn to minister to and with the military.

Seasons of Change...

I love the Fall. I have finally decided that it is my favorite time of year. One can enjoy the comfort of long pants, yet still wear a T-shirt. It is also a time of winding down. All summer is a hurried, mad dash to enjoy as much outdoor goodness as physically possible before the snows come to dust our doors once again. And Winter is a huddled misery of waiting. The Fall is an in-between time. It is neither blazing hot nor freezing cold on a consistent basis.

This fall is reminding me of my life and the seasons of change that I have and am going through. I am currently in a program called CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) - it is part of my seminary education, but also counts toward national accreditation as a chaplain. This is a VERY intense program of professional and personal development. As part of this program I have an internship working at Porter Adventist Hospital here in Denver. I meet people from EVERY walk of life three days a week. I am learning how to engage a total stranger with care and sensitivity. It is truly a blessing, honor and privilege to be in this position of trust both with the hospital as well as patients.

Everyone suffers loss and grieves. So have I. This fall I am thinking a lot about loss and the resulting hope that eventually can come of it. Loss makes room for newness - not necessarily newness that we would have wanted, but none the less, newness that we eventually get the opportunity to choose back.

God willing, I will be graduating from seminary and continuing the journey toward Army Chaplaincy this May. The feeling of transition is strong in me now - loss (or change) of the good things I have gained here - professional and personal friendships, a stable place to call 'home' - and am facing both the grief of that change and also preparing to open myself to the new opportunities and friends that are waiting to be. Please keep me in prayer - love, Ter

Summer Pictures...

Hey Gang - I hope your summers are going well. I've been 'slaving' away at my summer class during the week, but have been getting out into the outstanding nature of CO on the weekends - here are some pics I've taken over the last few weeks. It's springtime in the mountains here. the mountain is Holy Cross, a 14,000 ft mountain in the Sawatch mountain range. We were not able to summit, but I did get a picture of the summit from 13,300 ft. The waterfall pic is from Portland, OR when I was at the Covenant Annual Meeting last month and many of the flower picture are from Herman's Gulch. God bless and stay in touch! - peace, ter

Operation Desert Locust

This morning as I drove into work through the parking lot, I noticed there was a locust on the lamp post I parked in front of. As I adjusted my Beret and walked toward the building, I noticed he had friends...So I find myself in my first Locust Invasion. Now, there are lots of operations happening out here in Texas with 'high speed' (the Army word for 'Really Cool') titles like Operation Warrior Command and Operation Boots on the Ground. So it makes me want to have a really cool title for my little Hospital operation. So I think I'm going to settle on Operation Desert Locust.

Things here are going well. I continue to do lots of different things in a given week from visiting patients and ministering to them to attending trainings on things like MasCals (we did another one at a different venue yesterday) to going out to the ranges on post and visiting some of the training operations happening out there to getting a chance to preach at a chapel service or led worship. Each day brings with it it's own challenges and opportunities. As I wrap up my time here and start to think about getting back to civilian life (I leave next Thursday), I find myself reflecting again on this past year in comparison to these last few weeks. All year I felt like I was just dying for affirmation, but no matter what affirmation I got it was not enough. I came here expecting to learn things but received so much more; I feel like all the affirmation I needed last year has been poured out on me here. It feels like everything I've put my hand to here has met with some measure of success.

The Lord has been so gracious to me. It seems to me that the lessons of grace the Lord has been teaching me have paid huge dividends here. It has often been tempting for me to be very hard on myself and expect an unreasonable standard of myself; I have used my 'get out of jail free' card often and it has increased my ability to do the work the Lord has given.

Thanks for staying with me and praying for me - I know that I would not survive these times without such a faithful prayer and friend base. Here's how you can be praying for me as I wrap up my last week:
- for continued divine appointment with paitents and staff
- for continued good working relationships with the Chaplains (that we'd all finish strong together)
- ***For strength and speed on my physical fitness test that I must pass next Wends (20th - 5.30AM)*** - that I would continue to engage all that the Lord has for me here and not 'check out' early

Community House

What does it mean to be a family? I know, for those of you who know me well, you groan…yes, I’m on this topic again. But it is an obsession…so, we drive on…

What does it mean to be a family? (Dad, don't freak out, I haven't seceded from the King family, just thinking a little bigger). Since I’ve been working in hospital ministry these last few weeks, I’ve spent a lot of time doing family oriented trainings. Yesterday, I did one on the “7 Habits of Highly Effective Families.” Now, I’m not sure ANY family is shooting for “Highly Effective”…I think most would just be satisfied with “Maximally Functional For Where We Are In Life.” Yet workshops abound (I didn’t even realize…) and I’m beginning to catch some repeating themes: read the book “The 5 Love Languages” (so the suspense doesn’t kill you, they are: physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of encouragement, and gift giving); have a plan or vision or mission for the family to focus on, be open to change and input from each member of the family, always be working on improving communication and good will amongst family members. Ok. How is this different from the Christian community working together the way Christ intended? This is a very old question for me, but one I’ve felt is perhaps not valid to ask until recently… so now I’m asking and I REALLY do want ALL your feedback – the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm tired of having this roll around in my brain - I'm willing to let y'all in a bit, so here goes:

I am 33 years old and single. There have been moments of deep discontent with my singleness, but I find they are usually when I am under an inordinate amount of stress and when the stressors pass, my craving to be married tends to go with it - not to say I'm not still open, but the urgency passes. This is forcing me to ask several questions: am I created to be single (now, do not read: without family, read: without spouse) for life? And what does it look like for me to have meaningful family as a adult? Most people have a biological drive to have children and thus, create their family. For whatever reasons, I do not seem to have this drive. However, this does not mean I do not want to have a family – I find that I very often want to gather other singles together and create a family in this sort of community (or perhaps adopt children some day). And I have thought this for a very long time. If I am to be single, does that naturally follow that I am to be without close family ties? I don’t think so, at least, I don’t read scripture that way… And I am finding there are others out there who want the same or similar things as singles and even as married couples…

In the last few months I have been thinking more and more seriously about creating something I think of as Community House (CH) (working title only, please don’t spear me over the cheesy title) – A place where three to five folks (married and/or singles) live together in intentional community, working in the home as a family – we have a common mission (here it’s still fuzzy for me what that could be), common commitments to Jesus and each other and our community at large. I envision a once a week dinner/bible study together where we can pray and touch base with each other (each member taking responsibility to led alternately). Now there are two tough parts to this for me: one – what’s the mission? And two – how do I do this as a member of the Army? (second one being harder to reconcile).

The mission thing, I think of two roads – one, we prayerfully choose a mission together and aim our lives and resources to it; I’m not sure this would be terribly feasible for most members of the community, as I assume they will all be well along in their careers. Two – we all do our careers, but use home as a touchstone to keep us grounded in Christian community (like a, oh say, FAMILY) and as a resource to love the hurting and lost people we come into contact with in our day-to-day lives. The problem I see here is perhaps feeling like we’d be starting a church or somehow conflicting with the community and ministry of the churches we’re involved in …humm…

The other problem, for me anyway, is how do I do this as a highly mobile member of the Army? And just in general, how do I keep a sense of community and family as I move every few years? Is this idea meant to be transportable? Am I supposed to establish these communities wherever I land? That feels schizophrenic to me…and not very ‘familyesque.’ I have no solution to this one. Though this will not be forever, it will be for the next few years...Thoughts?

As a parting note – the picture here is of a collage I did during that workshop yesterday. I'm not really a 'collage-type girl,' but I found I was very enthusiastic about this (which also inspired me to get off my duff about talking about these ideas). It is everything (well, mostly anyway) that I would like CH to be, represent and do. At one time, the things on this card were things I needed to receive, now they feel more like things I want to give; not to say I’m ‘fine’ or ‘done,’ just to say I’ve received so much of this my heart overflows.

So, I feel very vulnerable putting this out here, so do be gentle with me, but do be honest – is this something I should shoot for? Is it something good? Or is it a twisted idea from an adult who refuses to ‘grow up?’ Feel free to ask whatever you need to clarify any points. Thanks y’all, and as always, keep me posted on prayer requests and updates from your lives. – love, Ter

Army Practicum...

Hey Team – just thought I’d put out an update. I’m currently in TX at an Army Hospital doing a summer practicum with the Army. I will be doing something called CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) in the fall, hopefully in a hospital setting, so this is GREAT preparation for me! Thanks for all your prayers and encouragement this past semester – it has meant the world to me. As far as I can tell, I did well in all my classes – so it looks like there’s only one more full year of Seminary! I survived Greek and Hebrew!! I’ve put off writing because so much has happened…where does one start? Well, I thought I’d give you a page from my recent journaling for your prayers and consideration…

25 May 2007
It’s been a better day, still emotionally exhausting (too much information too fast), but I’m starting to feel like I am beginning to understand more of the conversations here and am beginning to participate in more meaningful ways. I’ve wanted to get out to do patient visits the last two days, but other stuff keeps coming up, and then the day’s over. It’s frustrating because I can’t tell if I’m just hiding because it still makes me a little nervous to get started (I think I’m better once I get going) or if it’s just that there’s more stuff I’m trying to get a grip on and I don’t know when or if they’ll be offered again so I’m trying to capitalize on what’s in front of me. Some of both, I’m sure.

I participated in a Mass Casualty exercise this morning. It was sort of fun because the mood was fairly light (soldiers who were playing the injured were in great moods), but still somewhat stressful as I was trying to take it fairly seriously and learn (VERY quickly) what I should and should not be doing as a chaplain in such an event. CH Cotton was great to follow around today; he’s very patent with me.


I feel like I’m learning volumes about myself and this job – here’s my list so far:
When I am in culture shock and am not working with a team of people I know, I:
- Am mercilessly perfectionistic with myself
- Need to talk/connect with friends like mad (try desperately to re-establish security in at least one area/space in my life)
- Find it difficult to process large volumes of information, because I’m spending so much energy trying to not look like an idiot and connect with the person I’m talking to
- Get frustrated easily (feel very impatient and get angry quickly, though I usually do not express it outwardly)
- Feel overwhelmed, adding to all of the above

Things I’m learning about this job:
- It’s like many other jobs; there are people, tasks and systems – sometimes people loaf around and it fouls up others, sometimes people are apathetic about their work and sometimes they love their jobs and do it with enthusiasm; in or out of uniform, Americans are still Americans.
- In a Mass Casualty situation, keep asking people: where patients are being moved to (this can change frequently – keep paper so you can track what floors everyone ends up on); and how people are doing (staff and patients)
- When doing patient visits: ask what their religious background is and if they have people visiting them (offer to liaison with their religious group as necessary)
- This office is very laid back – I do not feel micro-managed; the chaplains here are very willing to help me grow and will stop what they’re doing almost immediately to mentor me (wow!)
- Marriage retreats are interesting to attend as a single person – I think maybe I’ll ‘provide’ for these rather than perform as long as I am single!

One thing did disturb me today at the MasCas. There was a ‘casualty’ who was dying and unconscious – I was available and called to pray over him and no one knew his name. There was nothing identifying him – no Army ID tags, nothing on his paper tag. I prayed for him as a Christian, but it felt so inadequate. Was there something else I should have done? In real life, I think this would have deeply disturbed me – I think I would have worked the hospital system a lot to try and get a name on him. No one should die without their name being spoken over them. It just seemed so sad.

As for the rest of it – the fake burn injuries, cuts, abrasions, disfiguring breaks, puncture wounds with debris sticking out of them…well, I think those images would bother me too, but I don’t know – I felt like I could handle being there. A lot of it could have been just that it was such a relatively ‘easy’ atmosphere. In any case, I do think I got a sense of what a chaplain does today. We pray, comfort, reassure and connect people. What a fascinating job…

Feeling Better...

I was talking to a friend recently (I can't actually remember who...) but she told me that she's convinced that all of life is a continual process of tearing down and rebuilding. I think I can safely say that the last 10 months have been a real time of tearing down for me. The Lord is breaking my dependence on myself and my idolatry of people. Yet, strangely, he's not calling me away from trusting the instincts he has given me, nor is he pulling me out of community. I think this is a deep and mysterious (at least to me) work of grace happening in my life. It has been a time of fire, where I have loved deeply, been hurt just as deeply, and have fallen (read:*splat*) on the strength of the Lord more solidly than perhaps any other time in my life. I know He is real. I know He is FOR me, all the time, in all of my messiness, just as I am. I am both in awe of that and completely flabbergasted by that: why does he bother with me/us?!

In some ways, it comes back to identity, doesn't it? Am I: the thing I do, or the One I belong to? As I was leaving RI to come here, one of the deepest lessons the Lord was trying to impress on me was this cornerstone of identity: I am/was not a Campus Staff Member for InterVarsity, I am not a graduate student, I am not a 2nd LT in the Army. I'm not. I'm a daughter of Jesus; beloved, cherished child of God. This too, is a mystery to me...

Thank you all for praying for me and encouraging me, especially in light of my last post. It has been an impossibly difficult semester. But this is what it is taking to break me of my perfectionism, and I am growing in gratitude for the new freedoms that this is affording me.

I have 7 weeks left to this semester, and several large projects to still go, but I finally feel that I have settled into a place to trust and peace about the whole thing; thank you for keeping me close to God. I will complete my last Hebrew language class next week (it's only a 10week semester for that particular class) and it looks like I will be passing it respectable well (B-ish). This is sort of a fun thought: I started the semester at 18 credits (16 at Den Sem, 2 at my Denomination) and have wheedled my way down to 14 as of next week.

The following are quotes that have been resonating with my soul and informing my thinking over the last two years, I thought I'd share them for your edification:

On Communion intersecting life:
If Jesus doesn’t receive us, give thanks for us and break us so that he can give us back to ourselves and others, we will be left in our bundles of isolated deceptions. – Steve Thulson, a Sunday service, 2007

‘Love is as strong as death.’ There is a convergence of love with death in which both open the door to the unknown and uncontrollable. – Richard Hess “Song of Songs”p33.

The Shema (sort of rule of life) of Mother Theresa
The fruit of silence is prayer
The fruit of prayer is faith
The fruit of faith is love
The fruit of love is service
The fruit of service is peace

The Shema of Terri
The fruit of silence is choice
The fruit of choice is potentially wisdom
The fruit of wisdom is peace
The fruit of peace is love
The fruit of love is service
The fruit of service is life

The Shema of Hell
The fruit of silence is anxiety
The fruit of anxiety is despair
The fruit of despair is hatred
The fruit of hatred is self-service
The fruit of self-service is death

Idolatry…leads to disillusionment and despair. –Integrative Theology, p195

There is no pit that the love of God is not deeper still. -Corrie Ten Boom

If you seem empty of any feeling, rejoice- you are his ransomed bride. If those you cherish seem not to love you, and dark assails from every side, still yours the promise: come what may, in loss and triumph, in laughter, crying, in want and riches, in living, dying, that you are purchased as you are. – Peter Aschan (1726-1813), a hymn

It takes so much to be a full human being that there are very few who have the enlightenment or the courage to pay the price. One has to abandon altogether the search for security and reach out to the risk of living with both arms. One has to embrace the world like a lover. One has to accept pain as a condition of existence. One has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. One needs a will, apt always to total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying. -“The Shoes of the Fisherman’

Update on the 'Bat Signal'

Hey Gang - I just wanted drop a quick note to let you know I'm doing ok - still overwhelmed, but not panicky anymore. I've been able to get a lot of the off campus work (interviewing various pastors and chaplains) done as well as my denominational conference (I took another class with them for a week). I seem to be catching up on my workload in an acceptable fashion. Thank you for praying - the difference was almost immediate. - more soon - keep it up! - love, ter

Spring?

'Spring' semester; such an optimistic term right now... Well, here we are, kids - the heart of seminary: my last semester of BOTH languages, one pastoral theology class, one religious services class, one preaching class and two learning contracts (one on grace the other on pastoral identity) - anyone else hearing "...and a partridge in a pear tree..."

As you can tell, my humor is a bit off. I care a great deal about this semester - the things I am and will be learning will be foundational to my life in ministry; and that scares me to death. the implications of all that I'm learning feel very heavy and I don't know how to encapsulate what I'm thinking/feeling other than to say I feel overwhelmed on an almost daily basis. It is very hard to know the grace of God in the middle of this. And it's not because I think God is being ungracious to me, I think I'm allowing my fears to be the thing I focus on.

So I need you, body of Christ. Pray for me. Not that I succeed or even do well academically, but that my heart would know peace in this time of trail; that my victory will be communion with the Father in spite of the circumcises. It is the age old battle, I do know that - will I trust God or my eyes. You know where I long to be: entreat the Father to strengthen me to be there.

Thanks, friends. - love, Ter

Whoah Urbana!

Reflections on my 4th Urbana (which represents 12 years of involvement with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship):
(St. Louis Arch at sunrise)

This is my fourth Urbana. I cannot believe I am here - and I mean that both sarcastically and seriously! My first one was in 1996 as a student, the next two were as IV staff and now as a Denver Seminary graduate student.

(Friends: former student, Sarah and friend from my church in RI, Jay)

For those of you who are new here, here's the quick update: I was an InterVaristy staff member for 6 years in New England (NE) working with commuter students in RI. InterVarsity (IV or IVCF) is a national and international organization on around 600 college campuses throughout the US with a ministry of campus outreach to students, staff and faculty. My time with them as a staff member (missionary) was both really good and really complex; I'm still, to some degree, sorting out the experience.
(Below: fellow former staff friends/friends from college, Doug and Patri)

Now then...
I was really surprised at how eager I was to come when the opportunity presented itself on campus back in Denver (I'm writing this from St. Louis, where the conference is being held). I think I understand why now.
This conference and week are about God's work and mission in the world and providing students with tools, contacts, encouragement and teaching for them to engage that mission with Him. (Frontier's missions exhibit tent) That message and those tools were given to me as a student and deepened in me as a staff member and now are part of my 'basic operating system.' I love this in part because it affirms some basic commitments I have to serve God to the best of my ability all of my life. I also love it because I love to see people learn, grow and pass on what they've gained.

All that said, I don't think that that's what my time here has been about. I have not gone to every session, run to every workshop or sought out mentorship the way I have at past Urbanas. I feel that my 'mission' here (aside from talking to students about my seminary, which was my 'paid' job here), was to reconnect with my old co-laborers and friends from NE. To encourage where I can, listen, and let them know I may have left in body, but am very much still there in prayer and love.


(Great old friend/roommate from college, Rose)
I had some very encouraging conversations with some folks in leadership and am so happy to hear that my region is healing and taking great strides forward in moving past some messy and ugly times; God is transforming. That brings me great peace to know. It was also encouraging to hear that I left the ministry well. In ministry, so much of your life is relationships and mine was no exception. I really felt that my supervisor did a wonderful job of encouraging me to follow God wherever He lead, beit on staff or not. But it was such a complicated time when I left, I was not sure I left well with my team and region. It was a blessing to hear that I had.

For me, this Urbana has been on of watching, loving and praying but from more of a distance than I've ever had here before. It doesn't make me sad, though, as I think it would have a few years ago. I have loved this week to meet and catch up with a plethora of old friends, students and staff. I have peace with the life I had in RI and with the life I'm leading now in CO.

.
(It's really dark, I know - this is the stage with the theme on it)
It's funny that the theme of this conference is the book of Ephesians - one of the most encouraging books in the bible next to the Psalms, in my opinion - and that the theme tag line is "LIVE a life worthy of the calling." When I got back from Mozambique three years ago, I made a vow with God that I would choose to live. That I would stop putting myself in positions that just felt like dying. I loved staff work in many ways, but I needed to move on, to grow and develop fully into the person God made me to be and I could no longer see how to do that on staff; God called me onward. Feeling a sort of 'death' the longer I stayed was a good indicator.
(Worlds collide: Army buddy LT Todd from the summer, and Jim Harding, a Regional Director with Africa Inland Mission) I love that the Lord is continuing to affirm and call me to truly LIVE and not settle for what is familiar or even comfortable. As scary as things can sometimes be in seminary, the Army and the direction of my life, I am finding that I have been honoring that call to LIVE. I guess it may be that it is better to be a little scared and truly live than to feel completely safe and stuck.

This week has been truly a blessing in connecting with old friends from a wide range of my 'worlds.' I was able to catch up with (or at least see) friends from different missions agencies I've been involved with, former students (love to the Sarah and Becca!) and have some wonderful times of catching up with old friends from college. Even my Army 'world' was here representing the Chaplain Corps - including a guy I was in training with last summer! I ALMOST brought my uniform, but didn't think we'd be here, so didn't at the last minute! Bummer!

(Friend and former student, Becca - aww...)
All that now said, I've also been working on a paper for my January term class that starts next week. *sigh* Please keep me in prayer for this class and next semester as always!

Oh - for those of you who are wondering - the blizzard (the first one!) was terrific! I helped a friend move during it and had a BLAST. There's currently (even when I left) an IMPRESSIVE amount of snow - I'll post pics next time as I need to go take some!
(The Denver seminary recruiting Team: Julie (the real recruiter - we learned from the Jedi master, herself), Douglas (a first-year, but we love him anyway ;) ) and Angela (fellow MDiv and worship leader on campus) - and our favorite snack...beef jerky)



Thanks for praying for me for this week as well as my seminary adventures - I really appreciate it! HAPPY NEW YEAR GANG! - Love, Ter

November Notes...

Wow...What an amazing, difficult, learning-rich semester it is turning out to be. Thanks so much for hanging in here, gang - I really need you this semester and next. I've been studying the first half of the book of Romans in Greek this semester. For those of you who aren't so familiar with it, the first 4 chapters are talking about the total depravity of humanity and how we couldn't be any farther from God if we jumped. Paul is setting the stage for the amazing, unmerited free gift of God in Jesus for us. Have you ever had a time in your life when you just feel like you're living out a piece of scripture?


I feel that my life has been mirroring these passages these past few months. I know that I am ALWAYS writing/talking about the joys and trials of my relationships, and this post will be no exception. I've blown it really big with one friend in particular this semester, ended a relationship I was in and have been feeling very 'in touch' with how messed up I am lately. Not a pretty picture. I even feel vaguely justified in throwing myself a bit of a pity-party (which I have, thankfully, not yet indulged). But, as I said, I do feel that I am living the book of Romans right now. My state has been one of utter depravity and rebellion against God (to parallel the case in Chs 1-4).

Last week we started chapter 5. The Kingdom Strikes Back. "Therefore since we have been justified through faith we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand." (5.1). I've been a mess since I was born (so were you, BTW - sorry). Because of what Jesus did on the cross all our sins are dealt with - even the ones we're surprised to find ourselves in or didn't think we were capable of (even our mistakes). This is not a new bit of theology to me - I would have said that is what I knew and believed years ago. Somehow the message of peace and grace is striking me differently, more deeply in this time in my life.

A good friend and some Army aquaintaces this past summer spoke a word of God into my life. They said "you can't give what you don't have." Again, not earth shattering news or even logic. But it prompted me to ask the Lord what is it I don't have that I keep trying to give? I believe he told me I don't have real grace. I have a cheap version. A version that looks like grace on the outside, but does not have the weight and scandalous freedom that God's genuine grace contains. Romans is about a lot of things, but for me, right now, it's all about teaching me what is the grace of God

I've been realizing this semester that I have all these crazy personal rules for myself that I would NEVER apply to another person. And if I saw another person with these rule I would apply my whole life and mind to freeing them from them. It's stupid things like, 'it's ok if I get hurt so long as no one else does' or 'other people's time and lives are more important than mine' - stupid stuff that makes me more of a door mat than a true servant of God. Grace for 'blowing it' does not mean "whew...Glad He let that one go, I'll be sure not let it happen again;' it means something more like, "Thank you Jesus for loving me better than I love myself, encouraging me to walk in freedom and not being even vaguely angry or surprised by my sins and mistakes.'

*Sigh* It's been a deeply thoughtful semester. I'm really grateful for the way the Lord is shaping my character and for His ongoing care - I really do want to be more like him at the end of the day. I am continually surprised at the depth of depravity we're all capable of, but I'm trying to turn my focus more to the wonder of friends and 'divinely appointed' people God keeps dropping into my life to remind me that it's not all bad and that one day, it will all be amazing. We were, after all not created for a sinful, fallen world; we were created for perfect communion with God and each other (heaven?...that's at least part of it...).

The rest of my classes have been really good. Hebrew is very challenging and I don't anticipate getting as much out of it as I have in Greek, but it does look like I will pass it this semester (and do decently). I also have 2 history classes this semester - one Old Testament history of Israel and the Prophets and the other is Church history of the early church to the renaissance. I got to spend a little time studying the Crusades...very cool - I didn't realize they lasted over about 1,500 years or that they were so poorly organized and (for the most part) led.



Lest you think I've had no fun at all this semester, I've included a couple of photos of friends and events I've been a part of this semester. The ones with the pumpkin is my friend Susan's (and her dog Abby) - she's does this crazy 'monster-creation' garden in the summer and she's sitting next to a 35lb pumpkin that she grew (she's got another one that's 33lbs). We' split this (yes...I did get to use my machete...*happy*) the other night and looked up a variety of pumpkin recipe's (got any good ones? I'd love a good main dish recipe - I have a ravioli sauce one and a couple of soup ones...) I was also really blessed to have my old pal Bonnie out for a weekend - I took her down to Garden of the Gods and we found this cool little 'canyon' while we were exploring and catching up.

On the really exciting side (at least in my little world...) - I get to go to Urbana 06 - InterVarsity's tri-annual mission conference! It was always one of my all-time FAVORITE events when I was on staff/a student and I didn't think I would be able to go because I am a broke grad student...However! My school needed some students to go and represent the school as exhibitioners and I was one of the lucky 4 who got picked to go on this fabulous, all expense paid event! SO...If any of you plan on going - COME FIND ME at the Denver Seminary booth (we're planning on having a cool couch set up with at least one video game option...very fun...) - I would love to catch up with y'all!! Aside from all that coolness, I'm really excited to be traveling - I REALLY miss it.

As for Mike, the fella I was semi-dating, thanks for your prayers for us. It did not work out, but I know that God has good things in store for both of us.

Prayer reqs:
- We have 3 weeks left - I'm REALLY tired - please pray I have the will/energy to make it
- Pray that God will help me (and us all, I think) to accept His grace and be at peace with it all
- Pray for Mike - he is deploying to Kosovo for a little over a year
- Pray for Urbana - that God would be preparing me (and everyone involved) to be there - to receive and give what God has in store
- Please also begin to pray for me for next semester - I anticipate it being even more challenging than this one and I fear for it already...

Praise:
- I'm grateful/thankful that God is clarifying my relationships and making me a stronger person
- I'm praising God for good friends and 'drop ins'
- For a wonderful TG - I was able to be with friends from school and church
- For the opportunity to reconnect with 'loved ones' from my IV 'family' at Urbana

I hope you all are well - Stay in touch! - Love in Christ, Ter

Long Overdue Update...

Hey gang - I know...I know...I'm a horrible communicator - I haven't written in MONTHS! I'm hoping to fall on your grace and mercy for taking so long to get back here.

Just to round out the summer 'camp' stuff - it was really an affirming and exciting time for me. Partly why I stopped writing was because there was not much of interest to report. It was largely classroom instruction after those first few weeks. The Lord blessed me with some great fellowship with my fellow pastors, men and women. I really loved my squad and platoon and learned SO much about the Army and male culture in general; the gang was very patient and willing to teach me what I needed to know.

So here we are in yet another fall and I've been thinking (surprise, surprise). This is shaping up to be a very stressful semester, but not a necessarily busy one. I am taking 2nd year Greek (we're studying Romans) and 1st yr Hebrew as well as a church history and old testament class. The two languages are consuming my life. In Greek, I am realizing that I have ABSOLUTELY NO concept of English grammar. Having moved 17 times by the time I was 18 wreaked havoc on my consistent understanding of our language; if my Dad hadn't been a writer I would have been sunk. My professor has loaned me a book on grammar, but I'm feeling rather hopeless about it right now...

In spite of all that, I am really loving my classes this semester. I am able to do some rough translations of our Greek text for the book of Romans and the Lord is speaking SO clearly to me. The book is difficult to get your mind around in the English, the Greek is even more rich. I do love the nuance that is being brought out.

Hebrew is proving to be a very organized language so far, much more so than Greek has been. Our professor is an amazing scholar in her field and she is an EXCELLENT teacher; very systematic, personable and (appropriately) tough.

Personally, I continue to grow in my friendships, making mistakes and learning how to let God be my very best friend. Ah, the elusive hunt for 'balance' continues.

Recently God has put a new friend in my life. His name is Mike. We met during the training this summer. He thinks I'm kinda' cute (and I think he is, too). I'm trying to not just freak out (failing miserably), but its been a long time since I did this 'dating' thing! Please pray for me/us - whatever comes to mind is greatly appreciated!

As far as ministry goes, I finally feel ready to re-engage in more formal ministry and the Lord has opened the door for me to be the coordinator of a small group that I'm a part of in my church. I'm really excited to be doing this - I'll be organizing, occasionally leading and facilitating the group. It feels like a good place to start formally leading again. Please pray that I wouldn't let my own warped expectations for myself take over; pray that I'm reasonable in my expectations for myself and the group. I really just want to continue to enjoy the group for who they are.

That's the scoop for now...

Prayer Reqs:
-Greek Grammar!!(that I would get it...)
-Stress (related to above)
-Mike...
-Sleep (related to all the above...I'm really not doing this all that well right now)
-Small Group ministry (we're taking about merging with another sm gr in the church that I know as we're both on the small side...I think this will be a good move for both of our groups...pray that the Lord makes it clear if that's true)
-Please pray for my friends Mark and Carl; these dear men have both recently lost their fathers and grieve.

Praise:
-Romans study (God is good)
-Mike
-time to do the work I have
-good friends who hope with me for the future
-For the interesting things He's up to in the world...

End of Week 2

Look Ma! She CAN March!
This was my favorite thing so far - I got to rappel down this tower - that's me on the left out in the air.
Waiting in line for my chance to jump!

Well, we're back from the FOB - what a weird, crazy 'camping' trip! I didn't get many pictures from there as I didn't bring my camera (a disposable one would have been good here), but we essentially lived in tents for a 2 nights. Due to unprecedented thunder storms, we were unable to do a night land navigation course and were sent back to the hotel for one night in the middle of the training. They're super serious about our safety here. We did do a ropes course and have been receiving course instruction in: environmental law, humvee/motor pool protocol/procedures (and culture), discussion on our non-combatant status, and given time with the chaplains to ask our personal questions. It has been an incredibly physically, emotionally and spiritually challenging week (in a really good way for the most part). We were all really tired when it was winding down and the moral was sort of tanking. We have this weekend off, but have homework assignments. Today was nice for me. I had time to sleep in, do some errands and get most of my assignments knocked out for Monday. This week will be almost exclusively classroom instruction, so no more fun photos this week.

Week2.3 (Thurs/Fri)

Hey Gang - I'm off to something called the Forward Operating Base (FOB) in a minute, but thought I'd update y'all. The last couple of days we've been doing various obstacle courses. Yesterday we did the confidence course (my personal favorite so far) - here are some pics from the range. I sort of cheated on my profile and did all the obstacles in my sneakers...my heal is VERY much improved and I had no problems with the course. I was also able to get better fitting boots yesterday evening - I STRONGLY recommend you get a pair called Altama's (we call them sneaker boots - they're light weight and the bottoms look like sneakers and they fit/wear like sneakers) - for those of you who are reading this with CHOBC in your future - either way, DO BREAK IN YOUR BOOTS BEFORE YOU GET HERE!!

Please pray for me today as I go on this exercise. This is expected to be the most physically demanding part of the course and I think is designed to simulate deployment conditions. Pray my heals hold up (left one is ok, but still a little sensitive in one spot). Talk to y'all in 5 days (we'll be back Wends). -Ter You had to shimmy down this upside down on your ankles (I didn't do this one as I didn't have boots on)
This is our platoon (PTL) leadership team - the PLT leader and 4 squad leaders, we had dinner the other night and got to know each other some.
This was the BEST obstacle - you had to walk over a log (climb over some stairs in the middle) and go up a ladder - after this you got strapped into a parachute harness and jump off a tower down a cable - HOKA HEY!

Week 2: Tuesday/Wednesday

Hey Gang - not much to report right now. I did decide to have my heel looked at yesterday as one area was not healing properly. I am on something called 'profile' for the next few days and allowed to wear sneakers and not run (bummer there, but we haven't been doing any in PT this week, so ok so far). I just wanted to be sure I'd be able to fully participate in Sat-Wends field exercise we'll be going on this week - I hear we'll get to rappel the Victory tower - I CAN'T WAIT (or miss that!). So here are some pics (to the left are the offending footwear):

It was one of the women's birthday, so we all went out to dinner - we almost got all the women at this CHOBC - just missed one!

We do this 'bus' thing from time to time - can you pick me out? (I'll give you a hint, I'm on the left in the camouflage uniform...)


New friends: L-R: Ola and Kitisha.



Well, I'm outta time - thanks for rooting for me, I sure appreciate it! Stay in touch!!

Week 2.1 (Weekend + Monday)

Hi Gang! The weekend was BLESSEDLY mellow and uneventful. Today was another story. Today I can officially say I have been gassed by the US government. We had to do the practical application of gas mask usage. They say it's it so we will learn that our gas masks are reliable and so that we'll be able to identify some with victims of a gas attack. Apparently this the gas they used on us is a version of the gas Saddam used to kill 1500 of his own people when he was testing it out. It's miserable, nasty stuff.

At first, I didn't think the whole thing was so bad - we marched into the chamber (20 of us) and the instructors in there had us line up shoulder to shoulder against the walls (we had our masks on before we got in there). One at a time they had us raise our masks, say our full names and social security number (this was so we'd get some gas in our masks and have to clear it properly). So far, ok, no big deal - I got to feel the gas (a skin irritant) burn my facial skin a little, but not unbearable. Then came the hard part. In order to leave we had to fully remove our masks and just be in the gas for 15 seconds. Sounds easy, right? I thought so. They warned us that we would want to panic when we took off our masks. They told us we would need to fight that instinct and stay in control. I fought that fight. When I took off that mask, almost immediately I felt my body begin to freak out. I couldn't breath, my eyes and face were stinging and it was very hot all of a sudden. I held it together enough to get out. I thought that would be it - ok, game over - now breath again and get on with it, right? Once I hit the air, all I wanted to do was hit the ground. I still couldn't breath or see and my skin still burned. I felt like coughing and throwing up all at the same time, but nothing would come out. (I'm so thankful I took a classmate's advice and skipped breakfast). I was also grateful there was a sergeant at the end calling encouragement to me to keep moving and flap and breath (you had to flap your arms to get the gas off you - the only antidote to this gas is fresh air). God was gracious; there was a cool (more so than the chamber) breeze that came up as I was walking out that really helped me clear the gas. It was really a scary thing for about 2-3 minutes there, even know this was minor and people were looking out for us.

As I did two short laps around a loop flapping, I really felt like crying. Not because of the physical ordeal (that really wasn't so bad), but because I know there are people who have died in that. It was a sickening, sobering, saddening thought that one human being could do that to another and leave someone to die in that. I've been pondering/praying about that all day.

PR
-Pray for people in countries where biological and chemical warfare is still practiced (Iraq, Iran, etc.); pray for God's mercy and protection.

Day 6

(This is some of my AMAZING Squad! 2nd Squad, 4th Platoon))

Well, today was mixed. On the one hand I got to learn how to do something called D and C - Drill and ceremony (ie: how to march). That was really fun - the Platoons all competed at the end of the session to see who came out the best. My platoon (4th) came in 3rd of 4...not a total loss, but not a total win either...room to grow...(our motto is "Last Shall Be First"...we've got some way to go to make that true! This day reminded me of my college marching band. I hated it, but not the marching part - it was the playing an marching part I disliked (I never liked putting my instrument in jeopardy). I remember complaining to God about having to do marching band in college. Today I had to apologize for that criticism as the Lord used it to prepare me for today. *sigh*


The mixed part was that someone called our SGL (Staff Group Leader - a senior Chaplain and trainer here at the school and our direct officer commander in the 'official' (non-student) ranks) assigned us a 2 mile/2x a week march in our new boots. Well, as you can imagine, that didn't go so well - the picture to the left is of my left heel - hamburger. Rubbed the skin right off on that hike last night - which of course, made today a virtual nightmare to walk...I did what I needed to do, but couldn't hide the limp. Got a lot of care in it, though. The guys all rallied around me throughout the day with helpful suggestions and one did a stellar job of bandaging up the wound so I could drill today. I really don't want to miss anything and am thoroughly enjoying the training. I knew I'd have most of Saturday off (out of boots), so I thought I'd just push through today. Got through it, but was a little too short with a Colonel who adjusted me quickly - we're ok, I apologized and he forgave and kindly ordered me to have an NCO (non-commissioned officer) look at my ankle (which I did). It more just tried my patience today than anything else - I don't want to be injured this early in the training (I'm so happy my PT test is over!) Tomorrow, I will rest and get lots of air on this.

PR:
- Pray for Keith, one of my squad members - he had to quit and go home today due to a crisis in his church. It was sad for us all to see him go - we know what it took to get here. We prayed over him as a group as he left.
- Pray for quick recovery of my heal(s) (the other one's a little banged up too -yes, I know about mole-skin and inserts and wearing an extra pair of socks- am on it!)
- We are preparing to get gassed. (really) We were issued gas masks today and will receive training on how to use (deploy) them Sunday afternoon. I've heard lots of gnarly stories about this experiance, so pray I acquit myself well.
- We are also preparing to spend a week 'in the field' at something called a FOB (Forward Operating Base) - don't know what this is or where - but we've been issued everything from Kevlar helmets and flack jackets to sleeping bags - sort of sounds like an extremists' camping trip...Pray what ever comes to mind ....
- I'm having to do 20 pull ups a day (my whole platoon is thanks to SGL - just to stregnth us, not to punish) - I can't even do 1 - my platoon has to help me up over the bar - please pray I would at least get to the point where I can do a couple - I feel bad making these guys work so hard!
- Please also pray for me as squad leader - there are a lot of responsibilities (it seems like I'm learning new ones every day). Pray I do well, or step aside gracefully should the need arise.

Thanks for all you who have been pulling for me for the PT test these past 2 years! I couldn't have done it without all you ongoing encouragement and support! Thanks Nancee for sending me a terrific letter (my first mail here!)!! Thanks Lynette for calling/debriefing with me most days!!

Days 4-5

I PASSED MY PT TEST COMPLETELY!! I did the 2 mile run in a personal record of 19.30 (or40)something (I never did get the exact time), did 50 sit-ups in under 2 minutes (I gave out at 1:30, really), and 20 (one kinda' squishy, but the scorer let it go) push ups in under 2 minutes. I also passed the weight requirement! This was a diagnostic test, so it means I am in terrific shape to be taking the 'real' test in three weeks. Today was very exhausting. Not much to say about yesterday - we just got issued some gear and spent a lot of time waiting around for stuff. Tomorrow is the first day we will all be in uniform...I'm very excited...
but now I need to sleep...(3am wake up call for 4am drill...) - peace, ter

Day 3

Great day today. We learned a lot about Military courtesy and customs, did more paperwork and did a little PT instructional. Apparently there's a hurricane on, so we've been getting a LOT of rain. It was cloudy, but not raining all day until we were doing out PT - then it decides to rain. Of course. Here's a shot of me after our first PT in the rain. We also re-formed into Platoons (4 Platoons make a company - as a class we form a company); I'm in 4th Platoon and am 2nd Squad leader - learning tons and have great guys to work with - and yes, I am the only woman in my platoon. We start PT pre-testing tomorrow, though my platoon won't go until Thursday. I'm a little nervous about that, but there are a lot of folks here who will need to work on their PT and the instructors have been very encouraging about it so far.

Prayer Reqs:
- Continued flexibility
- Ability to learn quickly all the things I will need to do and be accountable for as squad leader.
- God's mercy/grace/gifting to be a good squad leader
- Good sleep - doing better here, but still needs to be even better than it is!

Thanks Gang! - love, ter

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

Day 1-2: USACHOBC (US Army Chaplain Office Basic Course)

Well, here we are kids! Like the guy in this stock photo to the left, I feel that I am somewhat dangling in mid-air, but loving ever minute of it! After two years of planning, prayer and preparation, I have safely arrived at Ft Jackson, SC and have been getting familiar with the base, people and culture of this Ft and my new mission to Military Ministry. So far, VERY COOL. We've been treated EXTREMELY well so far - given lots of 'hand holding' and grace as we're being shepherded to the various paperwork/instructional events we have to attend. We're still in civilian clothes (civies) but will probably be 'suiting up' starting Friday. I've already made the cardinal mistake of volunteering (*GASP*) to be a squad leader - no idea what I'm doing, but thought it would be the best time to volunteer - the expectations are low and grace is high. So far all I've really needed to do is make sure/lead my squad onto a bus, line them up in formation and collect some money from them - a little stressful since we are a class of 131 people (incidentally, there are 7 of us who are women and apparently this is a class record!). The guys are great so far and are living up to my expectations for pastors and officers; I expect that image will take some 'scuffing up' over the next few weeks, but what can one do? We got uniforms, ID badges, 'dog' tags (ID tags), registered our vehicles (POVs - Personally Owned Vehicles) on base and did a billion other bits of paper that will at some point result in getting paid. We start early (getting earlier every day), but are not yet doing PT (Physical Training)- that starts later this week I'm told.

Our class motto is "Pro Deo et Patri - Get It Done!" Which we shout at the top of our lungs at the beginning an end of each group session. I'm rather wrapped up in the novelty of it all still and am loving that I have a 'battle buddy' (and that I get to say things like "Yes, sergeant I have a Battle Buddy!" and "Yes , Moving ," then running to the object of the conversation (just picking up papers so far).) The moral is terrific so far, just a few people seem to just really not be happy, everyone seems at least ok. Our sergeant Dawson tells us there is no such thing as a bad day in the Army - a Bad Day is when someone comes home dead. We just have good days and great days. Whoa.

I'm living in a single hotel room. It's fairly scuzzy (just found out we have roaches...!!....), but I am alone, have cable TV, VCR/DVD and high speed internet. I also have nights and weekends off. Not a horrible life so far. I guess the pace will be more bent toward the days. I also do not yet have home work, though I hear I will at some point.

Today's Prayer Requests:
-Good/restful sleep (worry-free)
-For the Chaplains/soldiers here who are having a hard time being here
-God's protection of my heart and mind as the 'games' begin
-Solid connection with Jesus as my leader/guide and friend here
-Continued good connection with the other women here (we've already experience some AWESOME fellowship together, but it will be easy to forget/loose in the business of the days)

Thanks for checking in on me! I may not have time/energy to write you back right away, but I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear from you here. I will try to update this every day or two (as much for a journal for me as to keep you in updated prayer!) Blessings and Peace, Ter